Leadership in all forms. Whether its wanting advice, a shoulder to cry on, some type of guidance, just a laugh, or just someone to point at so they dont have to focus on their own problems. I often find myself becoming the scapegoat. I have reluctantly accepted the responsibilty of whatever role people want me to play. Not because I am necessarily good or bad at these things or because they are always acceptable for them to do, but for the simple fact of not having enough energy to try to control other peoples emotions, be them good or bad. You can try, no doubt, to prove the bad ones wrong, or use the gift of persuasion if you have that talent. You can do your best to set a good example or a bad one whichever one plays out; both have gained me my stockers; not "my" meaning I own them, but just the people that pay extra close attention to me.
People want to choose for me what I do with my day. Some go as far as trying to dictate how my life will play out. What would be compatible with their own lives is all it is. What would be convenient for them or what they think would be convenient for me. It still is hard to get use to when you have people driving past your house just to see if you are home or who might be here with me. Most people know nothing about me, who I am, what I am thinking, or what I do behind closed doors. They will make up this beautiful or ugly person and believe I am that. If I do something other than what they thought that beautiful person should do than its wrong. Even though, its just me. What's ironic is they pay close enough attention to know when I do something different than someone else, and ultimately it draws them to me. Whether they like it, question it, or fight it.
Its a funny feeling always being watched, it is the feeling of being stocked. Sometime people have really tried to tear me down. Some did an exceptional job. I have found it to be the people in which I am closest. For the obvious fact that they know..or knew the most about me. They know how to hit below the belt. These are the people that know I have leadership qualities and I have the confidence to go with it. They will do anything they can to break that down. To make not true. To make me weak. Kick me when I'm down and watch me as I bleed if you must. But sadly they dont realize these are qualities I was born with and have had my entire life. I didn't choose these qualites of confidence and conviction of self-worth and humor. Its something I know has been taken from the world. We should all share these qualities. Trying to break that down is like trying to change my hair color. You might be able to change the outside with dye, or the sun. But I'll always be brunette.
And of course I'm not perfect either. Being stocked makes it challenging with I screw up. My stockers have a hay-day. But good for them. I know sometimes people just need to have their day brightened. (Sarcasm was something I learned along the way) But I have learned the most about my leaderships skills in moments of failure and about others skills as well, or lack their of at times.
Nonetheless I hope that I try to be humbled by playing this role of grandeur. Since I know somehow its significant. Stockers just want someone to support them, to love them, or to show them how. Someone to take the blame, someone to say I'm sorry, or I love you and be the first to do so. I'll be around to do that for them. In the meantime I'll work on me and improving in anyway I can. And to try to use my qualities for good considering I have the abilities to reach out to the stockers who exert so much energy in showing interest in me, and what I'm doing.
Ale
